Trapped

I have a conundrum. After my horrendous birthday, I left the house and have since been gone. He has propositioned me with the question as to whether I want to be with him or not. This is it. This is my out. I should leave. I want to leave. Yet I cannot bring myself to pull the trigger. As soon as I’m presented with the option of leaving, my brain switches to fantasy mode and makes it feel like I’m giving up some epic love. Another part of my brain is telling me that I’m going to regret it as soon as I agree to remain in the relationship. And I do. Every single fucking time. Then as soon as I make the decision to stay, that part of my brain that switched into fantasy mode disappears and instantly, and I mean INSTANTLY switches to a fuck-my-life-now-I’m-hugely-regretting-this-decision mode. What the fuck?! Can anyone make sense of this!? Because I’m about to pull all my hair out with frustration.

What’s more is that this entire time he has not even apologized. You know what he did? He CRITICIZED me for leaving and for not wanting to talk to him (he said “it’s not like I cheated on you. I don’t deserve you leaving and not talking to me”), he MINIMIZED his behaviour that night (he said “you got mad and left just because I wasn’t happy about my seat), and he TWISTED it around to make me look like I’m the one who hurt him. His response to my anger and hurt was that I’m “making him sound like Satan” and he doesn’t think he’s “that bad.” Basically he thinks that I should let it all go because he “does everything for me to make my life easier and happy” and because he spends money on me. None of which I expect or ask for.

And yet, I cannot leave. Please help.

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How the Grinch stole Christmas

Internet image. I hold no Legal Rights of Ownership.

Internet image. I hold no Legal Rights of Ownership.

It’s Sunday and I am alone. My boyfriend had to work today so I have the day to myself. Well, to an extent. I am in an abusive relationship so I am never really alone, right? He will call. He will text. He will want to know where I am and what I’m doing and whether I’m with anyone else and if he doesn’t like it I will hear about it. One time, not too long ago, I was on the phone with him while shopping at Wal-Mart. All I wanted to know was whether we needed anything else while I was there. There were some girls in the background talking and he angrily asked, “Who’s that?” The fuck do I know? Crazy.

Spending time doing what I want isn’t always possible, even when I’m not in his presence. But hey, at least I’m not in his presence. What a terrible thing to say about someone you’re in a “relationship” with, eh? Just goes to show the nature of it. Anyways, I am taking advantage of the alone time to write another post because I know the likelihood of me having another chance to this week isn’t good.

Christmas is a few days away. I love Christmas. Correction, I loved Christmas. I am anxious about it this year since last year was a disaster. My family (dad’s side) gets together on Christmas Eve. He complained about having to come. The day of, I was locked out of the house and he yelled at me over the phone. I had to go pick up alcohol for him before the store closed. We got there and he was in an irritable mood. I hoped that being around my family would lighten him up because my family is awesome. He wasn’t comfortable being around my uncle because my uncle’s a cop and he doesn’t like cops. I always have drinks with my aunt on Christmas Eve. She brings 4 or 5 different things to try and we have fun. Not last year. I had started out having some drinks, assuming that my boyfriend would be the designated driver since it was my family gathering and being my loving boyfriend he would “let” me enjoy the evening with my family as I usually do. Wrong. I noticed he was on his third or fourth beer and I asked him if he was going to be ok to drive. “No, you?” was his response. I sadly replied, “I guess I’ll call it quits then,” still thinking he might change his mind. Nope. It also felt like a punishment. Like he was drinking because he didn’t want to be there in the first place and since I was “making” him be there he was going to drink it all away and not let me have fun. Punishment was exactly what it was. Quite frankly, I was worried he was going to get too drunk and start acting like he does when he’s wasted. I didn’t want my family to see that. I tried to stall in getting him another beer whenever he was done. But the mask slowly began to slide off. He made a smart-ass comment to my cousin that I could tell gave him great satisfaction. He even later said she deserved it. He doesn’t like her because she’s “slutty.”

At the end of the night, him and my dad got to talking about cops. I was holding my breath. My uncle had since left because he was on duty that night. But my aunt overheard them talking about how sketchy some cops were. She lightheartedly said, “Hey, that’s my husband you’re talking about,” and smiled. We got into the car to leave and immediately my boyfriend started spewing about how my aunt was out to get him and she was angry that he’d been insulting cops and  how she thought he’d been talking about her husband. I thought to myself, well of course she’s defensive, her husband is a cop and you were insulting cops. But she wasn’t looking for a fight. She wasn’t being totally serious. She was simply expressing her loyalty. And she wasn’t trying to turn against you. I told my boyfriend this. But he was dead set on believing that she was turning against him, and he was trying to convince me of that in hopes that I would side with him and turn against my family. He proceeded to turn the music up incredibly loud in my car while I was driving. He pounded my dashboard. I turned it down. He looked at me and asked why I was in a “pissy.” He said, “how come you’re all despressing with me but with your family you were all smilely and happy? It should be the other way around.” That comment further demonstrated how he wanted me against my family. I simply said that I was just tired. It was Christmas Eve. I didn’t want to argue.

We got home and he continued to act like an arrogant prick. He said he was starving because he hadn’t ate much of the meal earlier. While he was cooking he kept going on about my family until finally I snapped and said that I would never act like this towards his family, I would never be so disrespectful. He yelled at me, “Fuck you and fuck your family!” and made humping gestures. I was stunned. Heartbroken. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve. Our first Christmas together, too. It was a nightmare.

Of course, he apologized in the morning and said he didn’t want to fight on Christmas. I was slightly hopeful. But, since we were expected to be at my mother’s for dinner that day, the whole thing started again. He complained, “Who makes you drive an hour an a half just for a dinner?” (my mother’s is an hour and a half drive away) Dumbfounded,  I replied,  “um, it’s Christmas and I do it every year to see my family.” I found it hard to believe that he couldn’t comprehend that people travel to see their family. On Christmas no less. He complained that he couldn’t relax on his day off because he has to “fucking go here and there.” He asked how mad my mom would be if he didn’t go. I angrily told him he didn’t have to, but that she was expecting him and had gotten him a gift as well. We were late leaving because he took his time getting ready, drank, and made me wait an extra half hour while he dicked around. As punishment, he drank the whole way there while I was driving.

Needless to say, it was an awful Christmas. I couldn’t believe the things that took place. I had never had such a horrible experience having a boyfriend over with my family before. It had never been so difficult. I was devastated. That is why I’m so anxious about this year. I’ve already seen and heard hints that’s it’s going to be a repeat. He’s complained about having to travel and go to dinners on his days off. He’s complained about having to get gifts for everyone since they got him something last year and, although I tried assuring him that they don’t expect anything, he’s insisted that he has to because he’s “not that kind of guy” to not return the gesture. When really he’s just pissed that he has to work harder to keep up the charade of being a good guy. He recently told me that when he was in high school his girlfriend and her mom told him that he looked like the Grinch. I thought that was hilarious. How apt. Not necessarily in appearance (although I can see what they mean. My boyfriend is very good looking, but oddly enough he does bare a resemblance to the Grinch in his bright eyes and eyebrows and wicked smile) but maybe it was the resemblance in his natural predisposition that they read; his tendency to ruin the pleasure and happiness of others with his bad temper.

In case you’re wondering, his family doesn’t do anything for Christmas. There are no get-togethers. So it’s my family that interferes in his plan to isolate me during the holidays. I know he would love nothing more than for it to be just the two of us, and for me to wholeheartedly agree that it’s better that way. Never. Gonna. Happen.