In Mike’s denial of his abuse, he uses manipulation to claim that he’s NOT manipulative.
A brief recap of Monday’s incident:
He argued with me over text while I was a work. It started with an abrupt “whats for dinner tonight?” as if it’s my responsibility and I’m expected to take care of it. I didn’t answer right away because it irritated me. I knew it was a question simply meant to do just that. It pissed him off that I didn’t answer right away. He bitched about that for a bit because he wanted me to “get the fucking picture” about answering my phone at work. I thought we had resolved this issue in the summer. Wrong. I forgot reasoning and logic do not have a place in an abusive relationship. Then he brought up Sunday’s argument, where I called him manipulative and psychotic after he blamed me for our relationship problems by saying that its not him, it’s ME who’s always angry and flipping out and he gets blamed and I’M the one who spins everything around to make him look bad. He told me to leave if I truly believe that he’s manipulative (he has a point there) and once again focused on how I left after the incident on my birthday and how I must not love him. He turned himself into the victim by focusing on what I apparently did wrong and again avoided taking responsibility for his abuse. He further played victim by avoiding EVERYTHING I said about this whole situation by simply saying at the end “I never said you don’t make sense. I want you to be happy. It doesn’t seem like I make you happy.” This was after he said, three times, that “it doesn’t make sense” when I leave or why I don’t answer my phone right away. He ALWAYS says that my responses/reasoning/logic “doesn’t make sense” or isn’t normal because he doesn’t want to see my perspective or acknowledge my opinion or individuality in any way, and thus says this to make me feel stupid and abnormal in hopes that I will adopt his way of thinking.
Here are some of his texts to demonstrate just how manipulative he is in his words so you know how to recognize it yourself:
“Just thought I’d throw it out there, thought maybe you’d care or something” This was in response to me saying that the phone issue is never-ending and it’s still ridiculous that he expects me to answer my phone right away (or at all) while at work. He’s trying to make me feel guilty.
“I’m just pissed off that you can say all that about me and think that we should be together. I’ve never said that about you. Who says that to some they love? No one does so that goes to show that you don’t love me.” This was regarding how I called him manipulative in the fight the day before. He is completely inverting reality, making himself the victim. Nevermind all his verbal abuse. I called him out on something and he acts hurt in order to make me feel guilty again. I again called him on his manipulativness in this very text and asked him “What about all your bullshit?” (meaning his abuse, but I can never use that word) and his response was “Whatever, nevermind.”
“I never say what you say no matter what kind of argument we are in.” Umm, he called me a bitch several times in that arguement. Here is complete denial of his abuse and projection of it onto me. But he’s also right in a way–he hardly outright calls me names like that. His verbal abuse is much more insidious. Which is why he can say this and deny that he’s verbally abusive.
“It has to always be perfect for you to be happy. If it’s not one day your world crumbles. One little argument and you run for five days. Completely wrong way to fix a relationship. No one puts up with that for life.” He is minimizing his abuse by describing it as ‘little’ (this was in reference to the argument on my birthday) and insinuating that these arguments are normal; that his behaviour is normal because he’s “not perfect.” He is criticizing me for my need to get away from his abuse, implying that it’s wrong in order to make me feel guilty again, and threatening to leave me if I don’t accept his behaviour and instead change mine.
“You think so fucking bad of me when we bump heads that you make me look like I’m such a bad person.” Here he is telling me that the abuse is all in my head, that I overreact when we argue. Again, I’M the problem, not him. I make him look like a terrible person when I call him out on his abuse and complain about it. He is making himself the victim, trying to guilt me into silence and make me doubt my perceptions.