Trapped

I have a conundrum. After my horrendous birthday, I left the house and have since been gone. He has propositioned me with the question as to whether I want to be with him or not. This is it. This is my out. I should leave. I want to leave. Yet I cannot bring myself to pull the trigger. As soon as I’m presented with the option of leaving, my brain switches to fantasy mode and makes it feel like I’m giving up some epic love. Another part of my brain is telling me that I’m going to regret it as soon as I agree to remain in the relationship. And I do. Every single fucking time. Then as soon as I make the decision to stay, that part of my brain that switched into fantasy mode disappears and instantly, and I mean INSTANTLY switches to a fuck-my-life-now-I’m-hugely-regretting-this-decision mode. What the fuck?! Can anyone make sense of this!? Because I’m about to pull all my hair out with frustration.

What’s more is that this entire time he has not even apologized. You know what he did? He CRITICIZED¬†me for leaving and for not wanting to talk to him (he said “it’s not like I cheated on you. I don’t deserve you leaving and not talking to me”), he¬†MINIMIZED his behaviour that night (he said “you got mad and left just because I wasn’t happy about my seat), and he TWISTED it around to make me look like I’m the one who hurt him. His response to my anger and hurt was that I’m “making him sound like Satan” and he doesn’t think he’s “that bad.” Basically he thinks that I should let it all go because he “does everything for me to make my life easier and happy” and because he spends money on me. None of which I expect or ask for.

And yet, I cannot leave. Please help.

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