I have been away from my blog for quite some time now. I haven’t posted since March. I think the reason being that, as my last post is titled, I escaped. And I needed to stay that way for awhile, from everything that reminded me of my relationship. I needed some breathing space. Big time. And while writing usually serves as a means of release, this time it was different. This time whenever I thought about blogging it felt like a chore. I felt bogged down, the way I did in my relationship. It felt like being on here would hold me back from progressing. Probably because I used this blog to document the details of my relationship as well as to vent, and since escaping I had nothing more to document. Well, there is plenty I could write about but it wasn’t the same. No one to watch my every move. No one constantly calling me and texting me to see where I am and what I’m doing and who I’m with. No one criticizing every little thing about me. No one insulting me. No one calling me names. No one playing not-so-subtle mind games. No one interfering with my sleep. No one keeping me from eating healthy, from exercising, from talking with friends. No one complaining about the clothes I wear. No one getting angry at me because I folded his laundry the wrong way or didn’t use enough detergent. No one sexually or physically abusing me. No one insinuating that I’m cheating.
No one keeping me from being me.
Writing this I realize it does still make me sad to admit that this is what this person, who claimed to love me, did to me. There’s still a hint of shame. There’s still a part of me that remains loyal to him–that wants to deny and make excuses for all of this terrible behaviour. There’s still a part of me that feels bad for HIM.
He doesn’t deserve this loyalty. He doesn’t deserve this love.
Writing didn’t feel the same because it gave me the same sense of dread I felt when I was in the relationship. It made me feel like I hadn’t escaped.
But I think now that a few months have gone by and I’ve gotten that much-needed space, I can write again as part of the healing process and begin to share how I have been coping.